In one family dinner, I found myself explaining my lack of enthusiasm and engagement towards everybody, detailing how I was already sucked dry after a week of traveling and socializing, and in need of rest. I was even starting to have a snotty nose that made my head unnervingly throb. I told them that I will be my usual upbeat self if I just have some downtime away from conversations and underneath my blanket. While I find myself laughing on some occasions, my mind seems to shut off most of the time, playing the part of a party pooper.
With sleep deprivation, I kept pushing myself to function—but I was running on empty. It made other people’s words feel like noise. I am physically present but not actually receiving anyone, which makes it hard to connect with them as I usually would. I know that I love these people but I couldn’t access the energy I needed. And because they were the people I trusted most, they were also the ones I felt comfortable showing how empty I’d become.
I’m just glad they understood me well enough to remain enthusiastic while I struggled to keep from tipping over into the irate person I’m becoming.
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