jessa

The waiting period is a chaotic place to be, filled with emotions that tumble and jumble all over you, even causing turmoil inside of you. And then, as this disorder builds up within you, you develop the urge to expend energy to maintain it. For me, it was the Ph.D. application and award—and the waiting lasted almost five months.

No wonder when I was in the waiting period, I can’t seem to be steady and do nothing. So many things were running around and in my head that I felt the need to do anything, to be at least in control of something, while the rest of my every day is heading towards even uncertain binary outcomes.

Within the waiting period, I started to document the things I’ve been spending my time with while in the waiting and compiled them into separate video diaries. And to clear up local storage space, I finally decided to put up my YouTube channel to house them in. It was strange, choosing to make myself visible precisely when I felt most uncertain about where I was headed. I only uploaded videos by parts, aligning with some promising progress with my application.

Each day felt agonizingly slow. My mind tried to play out imaginable outcomes as I make sense of my space in the void that seems to consume me every day. I felt like I was lost in space while I try to tell myself a story that it will all come to pass and I’ll be okay on the other side of this waiting.

While my body was successful at making my thoughts wander away from my worries and to spending my time doing creative work—my video diaries and my regular blogging—somehow I felt peace despite all the uncertainties that overshadow me. It wasn’t a peace that came from certainty but from movement; from making something when I couldn’t control anything.

The days before April 1 moved differently: slower, louder somehow. The height of the internal chaos was that day itself, when the results for the award was supposed to come out. And with the 8-hour difference, I can’t keep my eyes shut and my mind quiet as they ran amok. This is the make or break moment.

But at 12:35am, my watch notified me that I received a notification and the instant I saw even the slightest hint that it was relating to the award, I jumped out of bed and reached for the phone.

Following the eligibility review of the nominations submitted to the *** *** ***, we are pleased to inform you that your nomination has been deemed eligible and we are able to offer you an award.

It felt like my nervous system, which has been alert for so long, finally learned to cool down. I had a restful sleep after that, and so did the urge to spend more time in making video diaries started to wane. My body seemed to decide that it doesn’t have to expend much energy anymore.

I think the body knows, even before we do, when it’s safe to finally exhale.