I was so accustomed to being told what to do that I’ve forgotten how to make decisions on my own.
It’s not that I do this intentionally. Waiting for instructions about what to do next always feels comfortable and familiar, and my mind keeps going back to this default setting.
When other people inadvertently make me feel such a fool for doing so, I feel ashamed—ashamed of not knowing that I should have grown up already. And the shame that I feel? It’s just on the surface. Underneath is something more troubling: I am becoming a stranger to my own preferences, my own judgment, and my own voice. I just want my food be handed down to me on a plate.
I’ve forgotten that I am an adult now. And yet, there are moments that I still wait for others to tell me what to do.
Perhaps waiting to be told what to do next is just an excuse for not owning up to the consequences of our actions. Because if we do things on our own volition, things may not turn out like we expect, and we don’t like the feeling of discomfort, or even pain, that it might bring.
But having somebody tell us what to do and things go awry, then we always have somebody else to blame. Trading autonomy for comfort now leaves me increasingly dependent, and shrinks me from my own life.
And like all bad habits, always waiting for somebody else to tell me what to do next becomes a crutch that keeps me from becoming responsible for my own life and the consequences of my decisions.
It feels safer, but I am becoming less of me, and it’s my own doing.
jessa 