In 2020, I set my phone to monochrome to help me overcome my phone addiction (which I wrote about in my previous blog). However, once I was able to manage my relationship with my mobile device, I eventually reverted to using my phone in technicolor.
When the tools started to rule over me
Snapping out of it again and again and again.
I guess my love-hate relationship with mobile devices and social media ebbs and flows. During those moments of self-awareness, I learned how to realign my actions with my goals and inadvertently reshaped how I relate to tech tools (like my smartphone and social media accounts).
When I heard a friend announce about social media inactivity, it reminded me of what it felt like to be in that phase—a season when I started experimenting and reassessing who I really am outside of my online persona. It was a time when, despite the pressure of putting my best foot forward online and always curating the best version of myself, I learned that my online persona doesn’t have to be picture-perfect because when you will meet me in real life, you’d surely just pass me by unless we’re friends.
Online, offline, I am the same me.
Of course, we change over time. Remember what growing up means? But I no longer want to be part of the rat race to pose the best selfie and curate the (#)bestlife because I’d end up pretending that my life is awesome 24/7. And no, you won’t see my selfie or video crying so that you’d understand how sad I am when I am.
But hey, I’d still blog here in my internet space, like one would garden in one’s backyard.
I had so many realizations about myself and learned that I don’t have to put up everything online (except blogging as my creative output). I went through a phase where I didn’t want to be part of the cycle of living out life in pretense anymore just because it would be posted later online.
I learned to stop doing things always in the light of social media content. And when I say learned, I mean it. It was an eight-year-long process (and counting).
Getting back my freedom to choose
I’ve had so many attempts at decluttering my devices.
With years of learning and unlearning, I really try not to phub anyone.
Trivia:
Did you know that phub is a real word? It’s a 21st century word which means:
phub | fəb |
(verb)
ignore (one’s companion or companions) in order to pay attention to one’s phone or other mobile device
From my 2020 experience, I know that one reason why I like to check my phone even when I really don’t have to is because of its brightly colored app icons. Have you seen anybody reaching for their phone, app-hopping, to have something to do in between conversations? Yes, we don’t want to hear ourselves screaming in our heads anymore, so we reach for our phones in moments when there’s nothing to do or when the people we’re talking with are now talking to somebody else.
While using an iPhone helped me train not to pacify myself with a smartphone during boring hours because I did not install many apps on it but the essentials, I still end up spending so much time on snackable content (thanks, Instagram) because the IG icon is just so attractive like an addictive candy. Whenever I see that yellow-orange, vibrant pink, and rich purple icon, I can’t help but feel positivity and energy, reminding me of all the funny and colorful content I’ve been consuming with it.
So, I keep reaching out for it, hoping to provide myself again with that dopamine hit I’ve been craving all day long.
Yes, this is what slavery looks like.
I feel like I am in control until I am not. (Actually, I just went out of Instagram after being there for almost an hour.)
Snapping out of it again and again and again.
To help my future self have more power to say no to spending my hours away consuming online stuff without being aware of how much time I’ve already wasted, I decided to regain my freedom to choose by making my home screen boring again.
The gray app icons are back
I didn’t have much flexibility with my iPhone as with my Android (which I still use today for everything extra). But using the Shortcuts app, which is preinstalled, I was able to modify my home screen into something like this:
I also renamed all the apps based on their service and made their icon colors gray to help my brain fixate less on the emotions the colorful app icons elicit and more on what I intend to do with them. This is a way of putting how I want to regain control over the apps and not just let them invite me to use them just because they are shiny and doing all sorts of mental magic in my head.
The colorful icons make my brain stop thinking, making me go with how good they make me feel. But now that I have made my home screen boring, I notice that my brain takes time to think because all the icons start appearing the same. The boring screen—boring because it’s not as colorful as it used to be—allows my brain to think twice about why I want to use my phone and has the time to process and decide which icon to press based on my needs.
jessa 